Campus crime update: A drunken citation, a lost phone and stolen iPad

Punk in Drublic

There were reports Sept. 21 of an intoxicated subject at Parkmerced sports bar Park 77. Officers responded and took the subject into custody for public intoxication. Riddle us this: How does one get a drunk in public citation at a bar? Was the subject Charlie Sheening too hard for the bartender to handle or singing “Call Me Maybe” too loud while humping the juke box? Technically, everyone at Park 77 Sports Bar should have been cited, being as bars are public places and it’s fairly difficult to find a person in a bar who just appreciates the interior design.

Lost Phone and Owner Reunite

Officers responded to reports of a lost phone between 11:30 and 11:41 a.m. at the J. Paul Leonard Library Sept. 20. After hiring a team of private investigators and contacting Dateline NBC’s Chris Hansen (Why don’t you take a seat?), the officers at long last found the lost product and reunited it with its true owner. This truly is a magical story that could have been prevented. Maybe don’t leave your phone on the seat next to you while you’re pretending to study and instead keep your phone safely stowed away? That way, you won’t lose your phone and you can pay more attention to your homework and passing this semester’s classes.

What’s App With That?

There were reports of a stolen iPad tablet at Thornton Hall Sept. 21. The tablet was recovered by a suspect allegedly involved with the theft and it was returned to the owner. Be sure to look for the suspect’s new upcoming book co-authored by OJ Simpson, “I didn’t steal your iPad, but if I did, this is how I would have done it” featuring exquisite details on how to properly steal an iPad and get away with it by hiring Johnny Cochran. As Chris Rock said, “It’s better to look guilty at the mall, than innocent in jail.”

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