Hello my future rulers of the world, and Happy Monday.
My name is Andrew Cullen. I am the editor-in-chief over at Xpress. Today, I bring you what is to be the first of many articles of “News You Should Know,” a weekly news round-up for college kids.
I know how hard it can be juggling school, work and alcohol, let alone staying up on current events. Since it’s my job to read news, each week I will bring you a list of all the important and weird things that have happened over the week and tell you why you probably shouldn’t go out in public without knowing a little about them.
Don’t worry, I know reading is hard, so I’ll make them short, sweet and to the point.
This week: The Heartbleed bug, Ukraine, man-made vaginas and a total douche who still thinks Nazis are cool.
The Heartbleed Bug
Don’t get excited. It isn’t a disease and there won’t be a zombie apocalypse (yet).
The “Heartbleed Bug” is basically a hole in the Internet that leaves users vulnerable to a bunch of security risks. Popular sites like Yahoo!, which owns Tumblr, Flickr, and a million other things, were affected by this bug.
Heres the thing: this bug affects about two-thirds of the Internet, which means, if anyone wanted to use the bug to seriously jock your shit, chances are good it totally happened.
But wait, theres more: its impossible to trace or detect. So if someone has been swooping on your personal shit, tough luck kid.
However, although changing your passwords is a good idea from time to time, two-thirds of the Internet is a lot of Internet. Since you probably aren’t that rich or interesting compared to the rest of the world, I wouldn’t loose sleep over the Heartbleed bug. Sounds like a bunch of Y2K mumbo jumbo amiright?
There is (basically) a war in Ukraine now
I’m going to assume you know about the crisis in Ukraine, but I’m going to assume you don’t really know what exactly is going on (I don’t think anyone does) so read a short version here.
On Sunday, Ukraine’s kind-of government decided they were going to get in Russia’s face. Super gangster right? But they might have bitten off a little more than they could chew.
Pro-Russian Paramilitary forces, or possibly disguised Russian soldiers, depending on who you ask, have been occupying Ukrainian government buildings for a few months now. In case you haven’t seen them, these dudes are majorly scary.
On Sunday, the Ukrainian kind-of government announced on national TV that these paramilitary groups had until Monday to drop their guns, and peace-out of the government buildings, or “face military action” (shooting and stuff).
Russia came back and said if the Ukraine opens fire on these guys, there will be hell to pay and now everyone is in an old school, Clint Eastwood-style stand-off.
The UN held an emergency meeting/slumber party, where they are all still trying to prevent Russia and the Ukraine from potentially starting WWIII.
I don’t even know how to tell you this, but scientists at HIMFG Tissue Engineering Laboratory at the Metropolitan Autonomous University in Mexico City successfully recreated working vaginas.
Four women, who were born with abnormal or “missing” vaginas, received lab-grown implants as teens. Now, follow-up tests show that the implanted vaginas are virtually the same as any other vagina.
They look the same, work the same… the girls are even menstruating, which means their ovaries are probably working. For my slower readers, this means they might be able to have babies. The girls even report that they are able to get off. You go Glen Coco!
The world of regenerative medicine is increasing in popularity as doctors are learning how to take advantage of the human body’s capability to grow and repair its own cells.
Scientists even said that within the next year, they plan to be able to genetically engineer humans to be smarter, faster and all around better, making them genetically superior to other life forms. Okay I made that last part up, but that’s totally where this is going.
Douche of the Week
The dude who killed three at a Jewish community center in Kansas.
Get a load of this guy: identified as Frazier Glenn Miller, a 73-year-old, major d-bag. He killed two people at a Jewish Community Center in Overland Park, Kan. and then another at a nearby retirement community.
Apparently this misguided douche yelled “Heil Hitler!” from the cop car after he got arrested. I bet his parents are proud.
As if this guy didn’t make you cringe enough, get this: he is a Ku Klux Klan “grand dragon,” and founder of the Carolina Knights sect of the KKK… I know right? The douche reader is off the charts.
In all seriousness though, one of the people Miller killed was a doctor, unfortunately his 14-year-old grandson was also murdered.
If any good is to come out of this, it’s that Mr. Miller will spend the rest of his sad, misguided life in prison.
Not surprisingly, Miller has a pretty long history of being not only a criminal, but an all-around jerk, so undoubtedly he will be spending the remainder of his life shitting in a tin can. Good riddance.
If you have any suggestions for things that should be covered, recommendations for News You Should Know specials, or entries for Douche of the Week, Andrew can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org, or @returnofthedok on Twitter.