Keep your moans to a murmur

I get it. Noisy sex gets you off. Maybe all the moaning turns you on. Maybe it’s the thought that someone might be listening. But some of us have 8 a.m. classes and don’t want to be able to impersonate the bleating crescendo of your climax. Here’s an idea: Remember the “quiet game” you played as a kid? First person to break the silence loses. Try it.

If you claim that there’s no way for you to keep it down, you are completely misguided—and apparently, wholly unaware of the way your body works. According to a 2011 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, those oohs and aahs are just a performance. They’re not an automatic reflex. They aren’t part of an uncontrollable spasm.

Maybe you’re moaning to encourage your bed buddy. Maybe it’s an effort to please them. Science says it’s a conscious decision. Whatever your reason, if you’re living in close quarters with other people, you’ve got to tone it down.

There’s nothing wrong with a little coital vocalization, but be mindful of your neighbors. Understand that they’re probably not down with drifting off to dreamland to the sounds of your sexcapades. (Or maybe that is their thing. No judgement.)

I’ve been on the other side of your wall, and it’s really hard to sleep.

Whether you’re banging a longtime partner or just freewheeling, trying to hit it and quit it, you’ve got to maintain a certain awareness of your surroundings – the thin walls, the open windows, the shared spaces. Remember, you have to face your housemates in the morning.

Why make such a fuss? It’s perfectly acceptable, and sometimes even more exciting, to keep things muzzled.

The modern accessibility of Internet pornography, and all of its cinematic wails, creates this misconception among first-timers that good sex is always loud.

“Somewhere along the line, we forgot to tell young people that [porn] is not intended to be sex instruction,” said Dr. Sandra L. Caron, a professor at the University of Maine who conducted a sexuality survey of more than 5,000 college students over the last 25 years, in a September 2015 press release.

One-quarter of college-aged men report feigning an orgasm, as do nearly three-quarters of women, according to Caron’s findings. At least, those are the few who copped to it. Frankly, no one cares if you’re faking it. Just do it quietly.

Have some respect. Without appropriate communication between tenants, frustrations are bound to boil. And no one wants to feel uncomfortable in their own home.

So, take a little time to set some house rules with your roommates, and don’t shy away from discussing those inevitable late-night encounters.

And if your partner’s the screamer? You’ve got a hand. Use it. They’ll probably like it.

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