An act of hunger

The vending machine in the HSS building was vandalized Jan. 4. Presumably, the suspect heard the impending news that Hostess Brands was filing for bankruptcy. Overcome with rage, and penniless due to constant tuition increases, the suspect must have attempted to claw their way to Ding Dong delight.

Armed and dangerous

A disoriented person on the sidewalk who had presumably just lost a dispute with their roommate over an Xbox game Dec. 20, flagged down a passing University officer. Apparently, the person had just been pepper-sprayed by their roommate during an argument. It goes to show that Black Friday isn’t the only time of year you get to test your favorite household weapons.

Your food’s on fire

University officers responded to fire alarm activation Jan. 18 in University Park North. The San Francisco Fire Department responded and determined that burning food caused a kitchen fire. Most likely, most of the food was still eaten because even burnt food still tastes better than much of the gruel consumed by students.

Laundry room looter

Officers responded to a reported petty theft in one of the dorms Jan. 20. The suspect stole a wallet from one of the laundry rooms. Apparently, you can’t just leave your wallet out in the laundry room and trust people not to steal it. In other news, water is wet.