Exiting the Gift Shop, Entering the Campus

Two incidents of graffiti vandalism were reported May 3 and 4. The first occurred between noon May 2 and 2:30 p.m. May 3 in the Humanities Building, while the second took place around 5 p.m. at the Sutro Library. While it is unknown whether the two cases are related, one can only assume that Banksy’s successor is lurking around campus, and has taken to marking up the University’s two newest buildings as a form of protest against completing the infamously tedious OASIS assignment.

Law and Disorder on Serrano Drive

A concerned resident of Serrano Drive contacted UPD after an aggressive confrontation with her neighbor May 2 at 10:30 p.m. She had been weary of his suspicious behavior earlier that day, which ended up amounting to a parking citation and no further action. She probably watched one too many episodes of “Law and Order” during a weekend-long marathon and was channeling her inner Olivia Benson. Cue the sound of clinking jail doors.

Donuts and DUIs in the Parking Lot

University police responded to reports of an erratic driver causing property damage in Lot 20 just before 6:30 p.m. May 2. The subject was deemed intoxicated and in need of medical attention, so she was transported to San Francisco General Hospital and was later cited for drunk driving and fleeing the scene of an accident. Apparently, she had just won a beer pong tournament and wanted to celebrate by showing off her driving tricks. Talk about a buzz kill.