Hide Your Keys, Hide Your Wives

Between 8 a.m. and 2:30 p.m., a gentleman reported that his vehicle had been broken into at Lot 20 Aug. 29. The total reported value of losses included sunglasses and a CD changer at a reported $490. For the sake of the student body and all mankind, hopefully that CD changer contained the world’s only copy of Gotye’s CD, so we never have to hear “Somebody That I Used To Know” ever again. Please, somebody cut him off.

We’ve Got a Situation

There was an altercation on Pinto Drive Aug. 30. Officers responded to abate the fight and took the two subjects into custody for public intoxication. Presumably, following a fresh to death night at Karma, these two gentlemen — probably not the only ones — scuffled over who fathered Snooki’s baby and claimed that they never had smush-smush with her. We’re still waiting on Maury Povich for the results of the paternity test.

Sheriff of Nottingham Strikes

There was a residential burglary at the Centennial Village Aug. 29. Additional officers were called in to check the area, and the reported total loss was $7000. Next time, to prevent such a financial catastrophe, avoid leaving your liger-skinned rug in your living room with your dressage horse roaming in the backyard. Remember, unless you’ve found one of those elusive money trees, our parents tell us don’t exist, seven grand is a sizable chunk of change.