Third Degree Face Melts

Officers received reports of a subject who damaged a guitar at the Cesar Chavez Student Center Oct. 19. When officers responded, the owner did not wish to prosecute and the subject was escorted off campus. Now let’s take a look at the “So You Want to be Metal?” checklist: destroy a guitar in a performance-like manner — check; have no one like you — check. With only a few things left, your next logical step is to sue Napster in an attempt to convince the world your music should not be downloaded online for free, when in reality it’s not worth $1.50 and you’re not relevant anymore. Lars Ulrich, we’re talking to you.

Great Balls of Inconvenient Fire

The fire alarm sounded in the Humanities Building Oct. 18 and officers discovered smoke coming from the fourth floor. This is the third case of arson in the men’s bathrooms throughout the building. Whether this person has a deep hatred of urinals or just loves having the building evacuate on weeknights, for crying out loud, we’re contacting Smokey the Bear. Take your juvenile delinquencies to where God doesn’t pay attention. How about the Occupy movement?

F is for Fashion

An officer was flagged down by a woman who said that someone attempted to steal her purse at the J. Paul Leonard Library Oct. 17. The subject was described as a 40-year-old male, bald, wearing glasses and blue jeans. A style warning: that purse would not have gone well with the balding, middle-aged look. And from your description, you’re no Indiana Jones, so a satchel wouldn’t work either. The only hope for your purse stealing, fashion reject self is to stop dressing like the old man from the Six Flags commercials and start earning money for a hair transplant.