Here’s a brief update on campus crimes that occurred between August 31 and September 6.

What yo name is?

It’s common knowledge that all women, no matter culture or creed, love it when men call out to them from their homeboy’s ride. What girl doesn’t swoon when random strangers use words like shawty, boo thang, and delicate to get their attention? One would-be lothario stood on Holloway Avenue last Friday, probably imagining himself as John Cusack in Say Anything. Unfortunately, he came off more like Leatherface from the Texas Chainsaw Massacare and the police were contacted. They discovered he had outstanding warrants and took him into custody.

Party hard, party hard

Labor Day has nothing to do with child birth and everything to do with celebrating the American work ethic (however, giving birth on Labor Day might count. I’m not sure.) At any rate, many use the three-day weekend to relax, fire up the BBQ, and drink. One individual partied a little too hard last Friday and was found drunk at the HSS building. He was taken into custody for public intoxication.

Hoodrat stuff with my friend

There were two separate incidents of people driving with suspended licenses last week. I tried to incorporate the story of 7-year-old Latarian Milton as inspiration, but I couldn’t. stop. laughing. I’m sorry guys. I feel like Anderson Cooper and his poop jokes. There was nothing I could write to convey how great this Latarian Milton video was. Please, just, just put down Xpress (only for a second!) and watch this video.