Campus crime update: a quarter bandit gets away with $700, pants-less in the dorms

It wasn’t me!
Mary Ward Hall had that late-night skunky aroma of marijuana March 7; but by the time University police arrived at the dorm room of the smokers, the inhabitants had blazed away the entire stash. The officers ended up confiscating all visible smoking implements to be destroyed later. All the while, the stoners used the Shaggy defense, which is used to deny an action committed despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Hey, who said potheads can’t be trusted?
I need some spare change
The fifth floor vending machine of Thornton Hall received a visitor March 9 at 9 p.m. Apparently outraged at far too pricey flavored, carbonated water, the culprit decided to forego purchasing anything in favor of covering the machine with graffiti and taking $700 in quarters from it. They probably ran away into the night, finally well-equipped to do years worth of parking and laundry.
Who wears pants anymore?
An inebriated female surprised some unsuspecting Mary Ward Hall dorm occupants by attempting to enter their room unannounced at 2 a.m. March 10, seemingly unconcerned with the fact that she wasn’t wearing any bottoms. Officers responded and escorted her to her own room, where she likely found other ways to work up a sweat…. Like giving homage to the porcelain god.