Campus crime update: Identity theft, (almost) drunken driving and a Kung Fu-fighting weed dealer

Mooch for Midnight MUSIC

Officers responded to a report from a University Park North dweller that somebody had made multiple charges to his credit card between 9 p.m. March 28 and 11 a.m. March 29. Given the time frame of the spending spree, one can only presume that the identity thief had just purchased a smartphone and raided iTunes for music and apps. About $200 later, the mysterious subject is probably wandering the city listening to Fun.’s “We Are Young” and playing Draw Something.

D.A.R.E.-ing Driver

University police arrested an intoxicated partier as she attempted–with some difficulty–to get inside her car around 2:30 a.m. March 31. Supposedly, the young woman was in the midst of shooting a public service announcement for the infamous D.A.R.E. program about the dangers of driving under the influence. Apparently, the video’s director had stepped away to play beer pong just as the police showed up, and the star of the show had been taken to the county jail before she could explain her drunken motives to authorities.

Weeded out of a Sale

A marijuana dealer was caught purple-handed on Winston Drive March 30. An officer determined the subject was in possession of weed that he intended to sell. However, when the attempt was made to confiscate the Mary J., the vendor presumably decided that was the moment to practice what he had learned in the four martial arts classes he’d acquired through a particularly enticing Groupon. The self-defense moves were not enough, though; he was later transported to the county jail, and his car was towed from the scene.