Campus crime update: a shirtless adventure, underage drinking and a stolen backpack

No Shirts, No Shoes, No Facebook

Officers received a call about a topless subject using a computer at the HSS Building Oct. 13. When confronted, the subject repeatedly gave incorrect identification. SF State has strict regulations regarding one’s own virtual adventure on the internet, so please, gentlemen, stay off Chat Roulette while browsing the net on campus. You’ve already been caught in an embarrassing act, so just meet officers halfway and identify yourself so police do not have to identify you as “that guy with the weird nipples.”

Party, Bro?

Officers cited a subject at The Towers at Centennial Square Oct. 12 for possession of marijuana under 28.5 grams and a minor in possession of alcohol. This gentleman, who is not yet of legal age, was most likely about to join in the act of being crossfaded — the stage of being high and drunk simultaneously. While you may appear to be cool among your peers as a partying college student, your parents are paying a lot for you to get an education, young one. Let’s go to class and leave the blow, booze and hookers at Gary Busey’s house.

I Ain’t Saying He’s a Gold Digger

A student reported that his backpack was stolen at Mary Ward Hall Oct. 13 between midnight and 12:20 a.m. for a total reported loss of $2,000. Unless this bag was adorned with Prince Imhotep’s golden beetles, something good was stowed away in that bag. Remember not to bring your Cuban cigars and autographed bibles to school, and keep your glass dildo collection locked in a safety deposit box.