How the perfect haircut gets the girls

If you’re anything like me, a 21-year-old male college student, you have a lot on your mind. There are classes to attend, tests to study for and part-time jobs to show up to. These are all valid concerns that you really want to take care of, but never quite get around to. You have been neglecting these obligations because there is something taking up 90 percent of your brain power on a daily basis —  girls. I mean, come on —  you’re busy.

But women can be confusing, and as many times as you’ve watched VH1’s “The Pickup Artist,” you know deep down you will never have the skills Mystery has. So what do you do? Well, you study up. Oh, don’t worry! I’m not going to make you actually study because I know you won’t even open the book. (Why did you buy it anyway?) It’s cram time so just let me give you the abridged version.

There is one thing that is universally true about all women on earth: They like things that show a man has some status. But those things are close to impossible to obtain (especially with those paychecks you’ve been getting from your part-time job at a café.) Or when, you know, you don’t have any actual status.

So what’s a college dude like yourself to do? You could pretend like you actually are a “baller” and have all the status of your favorite rapper (seems like lots of guys go this route), but any girl worth her weight in gold-plated jewelry will be able to sniff this out.

Never fear, though, because I found a get-girls-quick scheme that actually works, and it’s only one trip to the barbershop away.

That’s right – you need a haircut. But not any haircut; you need an old-fashioned haircut. You need a haircut that is faded short on the sides, but a little bit longer on the top. Then you comb it over and slick it back with some pomade. That’s what you need.

Styles like this are all the rave right now in Oakland (mostly because everyone has been going to the Temescal Alley barbershop), so their aphrodisiactic effects are a little watered down over there, but across the bay at SF State? Ha!

Most of the ladies at SF State are from Orange County. Well, at least 25 percent of incoming freshman last year were from Southern California, according to the SF State Data Book. A little bit of that Oakland hipsterness on the top of your head is simply more than they have ever been exposed to. These young ladies won’t know what to do with themselves! They will forget the golden locks of the Dogtown boys in a heartbeat!

Seriously, though — too many guys are rocking the shaved head look. Or, even worse than that, the shaved head grown out evenly between cuts look. It’s lazy. Girls don’t like lazy. They like status, but you don’t have any, remember? So go get yourself a timeless gentleman’s hair cut at the barbershop – it only costs 20 to 30 bucks. Add in another 20 bucks for some fiber grease, and that’s still cheaper than one tank of gas for the sports car you don’t have.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is that when it comes to the battle of the sexes, I suggest you lead with a mostly hair-based offensive.